Fries, not lies.
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[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
sleeping beauty
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.